Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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