mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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