Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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