i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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