I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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