"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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