I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
