My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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