I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
