Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
