The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
