Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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