White coat. Heels.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Randomize
