You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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