so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Randomize
