i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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