This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
