can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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