Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Sexist Restaurant Owner Tells Woman To ‘Keep Her Legs Open’ After Firing Her
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
19 True Stories So Scary You May Never Turn The Lights Off Again
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
