The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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