in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
