you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
try to milk me bitch
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