so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
