I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
