He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
