I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
