What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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