we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
