I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Im part way to drunk.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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