Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize