mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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