Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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