I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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