It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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