i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
