Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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