Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
