What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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