alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
