i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
