I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
