So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
