I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
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Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
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We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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