Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
