Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
They have beer where we have blood.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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