I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just blew my weed a kiss
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
