I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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