he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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