I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Ladies don't puke and tell
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
