You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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