life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
