Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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