I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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