Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
