i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
