you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
