My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
