she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
