Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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