there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
