Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
