i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
She needs sedatives and a leash
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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